Counseling Teenagers
Counseling Teenagers: A Developmental Approach
Keywords: Teenage = uniquely human phenomenon, Teenagers = unique by-product
Introduction
Cognitive development in adolescents signals the beginning of a new level of thought in which a greater reasoning and problem-solving capacity prepares the maturing teenager to become a philosopher of sorts. On the other hand, due to slow development of frontal and parietal lobes of the brain, teens have less brain activity in the areas responsible for motivation, self-control, and risk assessment. This may explain why they are more likely to take part in risky activities such as taking drugs, alcohol; develop hard-to-kick smoking habit, or indulge in under-age sex.
Getting into their Shoes
On a lighter note – a scene at home – when teenagers don’t seem to listen to any instructions, “Turn off the T.V. and go tidy up your room,” or “Finish your homework,” or a scene in the car, “I had just told you not to make annoying sounds and yet you keep at it,” or “Why are you sulking? I don’t know where you left your book, why can’t you be responsible and keep your things back in their right place after using them?”
Tsk! Tsk! What is a teenager to do?
“Hey! My brain is not developed and I have no self-control, so once I start making annoying sounds or mimic having tics, I just can’t stop it.”
“I have no interest in getting up from this comfy postural-challenged-position of mine in front of the idiot box and go clean up my room.”
“Can’t my folks see that my brain is a work in progress? It is a house in the process of being re-wired. How am I supposed to remember where I leave my stuff after using them?”
The aforementioned situations are on a lighter plane. Most teenagers can manage to pass this phase without the dark shadows of substance abuse befalling them, provided that they have a good rapport with their parents, are appreciated at home, and in turn, like themselves (i.e., possess good self-esteem).
Developmental Issues
Teenagers are fundamentally family-oriented. To one degree or another, they change their relationships with their families of origin, both physically and psychologically, as they increasingly become more invested in peer relationships.
This does not necessarily mean rebelling from or becoming antagonistic toward their immediate family. Contrary to previous thought, an adolescent is able to become more independent from his or her family of origin without bitterness. Cognitively and psychologically, adolescents are able to express both love and respect for their parents and affirm good feelings toward their peers at the same time. New friends do serve to facilitate the needed separation from their parents and also aid in the subsequent identity formation within the larger context of the social network they are moving into.
Parents ordinarily handle and resolve problems presented by their teenagers using a combination of love, discipline, understanding, and common sense. However, it is frustrating and worrisome when teenagers fail to respond positively to these efforts.
In some cases, there is excessive conflict, anger, resentment, rebelliousness and poor communication in the parent-child relationship. Consequently, the normal desire of the child to assert his or her individuality takes on a distorted and conflict-ridden form.
Parent-Teenager Conflict
How does a loving relationship between a parent and a teenager become full of conflicts?
When one becomes a parent, somehow there is a metamorphosis in personality; Gone are the carefree days and in comes responsibility for control, discipline, and methodical attitude. Suddenly, the very procedures (in the form of rules and regulations) that parents rebelled against during teenage-hood are imposed on their children, with rigor and exactness, creating a sense of unfairness and dissatisfaction.
Further, this frustrates a teenager’s desire and impulse, resulting in anger or resentment in him/her. Sometimes, these feelings are handled successfully by the family. Nevertheless, attention must be given to the many complicating factors which may prevent a successful resolution of conflicts between the two parties They range from temperaments and personalities of the parents as well as the child, parent’s own upbringing, the quality of the parent’s marriage, impact of divorce, child’s relationship with siblings, and the influence of the social environment.
Resolving the Conflict
We go to doctors when children have coughs and colds. There is no stigma about it. The same should be felt for when the mental health of children is in question. As such, it is often useful, if not highly beneficial, for parents to seek to understand and consider the principles of counseling to tackle and reduce the conflict that exist between themselves and their teenagers.
If a child shows his frustrations or anger, it is not that his mental health is at risk because in relation to child development, anger and aggression are of prime importance. Instead, when children are taught to deal appropriately with their anger and aggression, by equipping them with the necessary coping-skills, the same emotions are re-directed and converted into something positive. This is better than annihilating the emotions altogether.
Few parents bother to put themselves in their children’s position. Their attitude is that teenagers are young or that they don’t know any better. For example, parents often feel frustrated if an instruction given by them to their child is not carried out, resulting in anger or stiff remarks. But poor memory may reflect a retrieval failure rather than storage failure (earlier, we had seen how the slow development of the brain during teenage-hood affect children and their experiences significantly). The same should be applied regarding school work or examinations.
Children are little human beings with big generous hearts. They are ready to learn and test their knowledge in actions given the opportunity. Although they look up to grown-ups when in need, teenagers have their own set of problems. They are trying to cope with growing up, fitting in their society, and at the same time, learning different skills to become a self-sufficient adult. It is a full-time job with no breaks.
A parent-teenager relationship that works effectively to tackle and reduce the abovementioned conflicts consists of the following three components:
- Considerateness
- Sense of humor
- Philosophy of growth
Considerateness When parents acquire and apply the trait of considerateness, they teach the same quality to their teenagers, who will in turn, become considerate individuals in reaching adulthood.
Considerateness is made up of two sub-factors:
- Communication
- Compassion
Communication shared between parents and teenagers holds the key for fun, progressive, and enhanced relationship between the two parties. While it is undeniable that we live in a fast lane and have no time to stop, parents need to give their teenagers undivided attention to make their communication qualitative and quantitative. In a working environment, we have upward (employee/teenager → employer/parent) and downward (employer/parent → employee/teenager) communication. The same principle applies to the working of parent-child relationship. Parents listen, respond and guide, children/teenagers ask, listen test and act upon.
Communication does not hold any weight if it is not fueled by feedback. Teenagers look up to their parents. Even though they argue or sulk, they still believe in their parents. Time should not become an issue when incorporating a teenager’s view into a well-balanced system of communication within the family, to result in a smooth functioning of the relationship.
Compassion – simply stated, compassion is a desire to help. This starts at home. Parents can, by being compassionate to their own teenagers, instill the quality of compassionate citizenry. Since possessing the right attitude is a pre-requisite to developing such a high value, it is important that both parents and teenagers realize that there is a dire need to change not what they see, but how they see things. The former makes them critical, competitive, and repulsive people, while the latter inspires a superior level of human function that helps them to take into thought the well-being others before themselves.
Sense of Humor
All work and no play – that would be mundane. Play-and-learn is a concept which has really picked up in schools, although it is directly linked to pre-school children. Incorporated well in elementary and primary levels, the benefits of applying this concept to schooling is tremendous. The same can be utilized while attempting to reduce relational conflicts between parents and teenagers.
Being creative while handling issues faced by teenagers helps a great deal. This, coupled with a natural sense of humor allows teenagers to develop a sense of belonging to an adult-helper (parent), who would facilitate the process of problem-solving (academic, social-emotional, physical, etc.).
Teenagers love watching movies in the theatre. Parents can be their movie-buddies. By being one of them, by laughing and allowing laughter, by sharing and identifying with teenagers’ perception of the world, parents can resourcefully assist their teenagers to develop skills, emotions, and strength required to face the challenges of life and the demands of the changing world, in the light of their own maturing bodies and minds.
Humor and laughter brings joy to both parents and teenagers and fades away the effects of stress. They are the best de-stressors that humans are naturally equipped with.
Philosophy of Growth
The last component, the philosophy of growth is a blend of the first two components and all their sub-factors and more. Using the analogy of gardening, parents would represent the planter and the water-bearer. Teenagers on the other hand would represent the seed that sprout embryonic roots. For the seed to flourish and spread its essence of life, the planter, who is also the water-bearer, provides for and nurtures the sapling.
Similarly, parents need to guide teenagers to become curious to explore, while having the assurance of support and comfort when needed. Needs of growth should not be curbed. Akin to the cell-division process in the human body, a teenager’s intellectual capacities are enhanced when his/her mind (the working brain) is allowed to multiply, regenerate, and expand through constant physical, mental, and emotional stimulation. Depriving them of any one of these will restrict their growth in significant ways.
Parents naturally assist their children’s growth right from day one by feeding, consoling, loving, playing, teaching what to touch and what not to touch, etc. However, these important acts of mental-physical stimulation disappear when children step into puberty. Teenagers need the same help they needed when they were younger. Most parents give up on teenagers because they are in this “storm-stress” age. Parents expect teenagers to form matured thinking, and fend for themselves.
The philosophy of growth is that parents understand the workings of a teenage brain and help them to cope with life situations in the context of this knowledge. By doing so, parents are able to become increasingly considerate towards their teenage kids, and, eliminate undue stress related to the process of growth.
Our brain starts with pattern forming, recognition, comparison, evaluation and action and it does that all the time in performing all functions.
Since teenagers undergo a remarkable change, physically, mentally, and emotionally, their brains are subjected to complex structuring and re-structuring of patterns-associations. Their brains form, checks, and conceives sequences of experiences and events in the form of patterns with the help of external stimuli. Making sense of all the incoming information is a great challenge. However, despite having to cope with physical, psychological, and academic demands, teenagers are also required to cope with the demands of their brain and its development.
Thought is a mental process which allows us to model the world. Initially, children learn to model their world on their parents’ notions, and then their own, as they absorb their environment through their surroundings, schools, and peers. Blending the two models (one of parents’ and another one of their own), teenagers come up with their own concept of the world they live in.
We process information simultaneously by sorting relevant information from the past and maintaining the present experience while recognizing the patterns and with the help of intellect we reason and act.
Conclusion
When parents expect the teenager to act or behave in a certain manner, they have to bear in mind that teenagers have little experience to assess and act upon a certain given situation, as would adults. Their past experiences are not rich enough to enable them to formulate thought-patterns, emotional-responses, and instantaneous-actions that would meet the requirements of the physical and social environment. Parents should step in to guide teenagers on the right path and work with perserverance, not frustrations, to assist their children in having a rich self-perception, as it has considerable effect on all learning and living.